The Year of Moving Forward

The Year of Moving Forward
At our 4 person wedding reception in DC

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Ecology of Bessemer Litterbugs - Update

Be sure to read my Western Tribune column which follows this post.

On October 11, 2007, I published a piece titled The Ecology of Bessemer Litterbugs. I feel it is time to revisit the issue, to see if the habits of the species are changing. Please refer to the original post (for a good laugh and to see how this relates to my education).

Once again I have analyzed the litter picked up along the street on our corner lot. As in the past, no living creatures were sacrificed in this effort, although it was suggested previously that eradication of the litterbugs should be a goal, so sacrifice (for stomach content analysis) might be an acceptable method of data collection for the future.

Contrary to the last collection period, no evidence of mating was found. This could be due to the change in season, as the mating season of Bessemer litterbugs could be confined to the fall of the year. No evidence of male enhancement drugs or safe sex novelties were found this time, as opposed to last time. This may have led to safer driving, it is hoped. The lack of soiled diapers (or a diaper package) which last time was used as evidence of successful mating, this time leaves the question unanswered.

As for diet, there seems to be some consistency. Nature Valley Sweet and Salty Nut Granola Bar and Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips seem to be a perennial favorite (although the preferred brand of chip has changed from Lay’s to Golden Flake).

No evidence of real food was found this time. No Church’s Chicken or Krystal wrappers. In fact, the only evidence of meat was two empty Vienna sausage cans. The litterbugs may have been fooled however, thinking that animal crackers were actual animals, as a wrapper for those cookies was found. "Washpot Type" Pork Cracklins, is that meat? I’ll have to consult with a nutritionist.

Other food item paraphernalia found indicate consumption of a "25% Larger" Lance Peanut Bar (the "25% larger" descriptive on the package may have confused the litterbug into thinking this was an enhancement item, since the males have been known to use the supplements in the past), a Fortune Cookie, Werther’s Original Chewy Caramels, a Snoopy Bubble Gum filled Pop, Doritos Cool Ranch Chips and a Little Debbie Snack Cake.

Bud Light and Popeye’s Chicken (Louisiana Kitchen) drinks were equal in popularity, and non-alcohol drinks far outnumbered the alcohol drinks, a positive sign for Bessemer. Of the alcohol drinkers at least one litterbug is a high falutin’ Haffenreffer Private Stock drinker, the one time favorite of Wilt Chamberlain (“Nobody does it bigger”) and Notorious B.I.G. (“Smokin weed and Bambu, Sippin’ on Priviate Stock”). Here’s a picture of a typical Private Stock drinker from another biome, and a quote.

“It's available in NJ but not within easy grasp for me... I wish it was though; this brew should be part of a balanced diet. That's right - I'd drink it every day.”

Yeah I bet you would, because I found your Youtube channel where there are 94 videos of you drinking 40 oz beers. Gee. Get a life.

OK, back to the study.

Pepsi, Fanta Orange, Nestle Water, and generic Fruit Punch were also consumed.

There was a Valentine gift bag, but no evidence of what someone was giving to their lover. Possibly that is what the 40 oz Haffenreffer came in? Can't you just see the guy in the picture, "Happy Valentine's Day, Hon."

A "Car Freshner" Tree (Morning Fresh) with some scent still remaining was found. I took this and hung it in my truck...(Not really – gross - but the trash bag smells really good).

There was one Cherry Peppers Phone Card Game Piece (win up to $7,777.77). This is an interesting find, because I would be willing to bet that had the inner message been “You’re a winner” rather than “Sorry no winner” that the piece would not have been found.

A torn newspaper clipping with a picture of a Bassmaster Classic winner holding a fish up (the name of the winner had been torn off) was found. It is possible that the litterbug who discarded this item was interested in the fish, and kept the name in order to track the raw food item down.

No items were found that related to tobacco use. Last time the Black and Mild cigars, Newport and Marlboro were common findings. Another positive indicator for Bessemer.

All in all, analysis shows that the population of Bessemer litterbugs is shrinking. Data is inadequate to determine if this is due to a change in reproductive habits, seasonal migration or other reasons.

Further studies are indicated and will be performed at appropriate intervals.


Ed said...

You are doing a fine public service. It almost seems like the diet is improving. LOL!

Drew said...

I know Joe's diet has improved! He has switched from Lay's to Golden Flake! Golden Flake puts healthier ingredients in the products we make!

Joe said...

It's not my diet, it's the litterbug's. The potato chip bags and all the other trash in no way reflects of my diet, nor am I responsible for any of it.

Having said that, Golden Flake does make a heck of a chip.

Drew said...

Well.......if you decide to eat more tater chips I hope you choose Golden Flake! Don't you feel better knowing that ours are healthier?

Joe said...

Yes I do. Thanks for the heads up on the healthier chip.

Anonymous said...

Golden Flake's Baked BBQ Chips are the bomb!