You can reach me on Facebook and send me a private message.
You can contact me anonymously if you want, and our conversations will be confidential. Your identity or personal information will not be shared.
After your initial contact, we might talk by phone if you want to.
Specifically, what I want to know is if you feel you are being bullied at school, if you feel the school is not doing enough to protect you. I will also ask if your family knows you are gay and if you get support from home. I will also give you some phone numbers of organizations that can offer you help or if you feel you need to talk to someone.
I want to add your information (without revealing your name) to the information I already have.
And remember, it does get better. Last year I saw the Broadway production of Chicago. The cast of that musical has made this video to offer you encouragement.
Others from the diverse Broadway community teamed up to make this video.
And there are people all across this country that are working hard for your rights, for your safety, for your equality. Here are three pictures I took at last years National Equality March in Washington, DC, last year. More about our experience at that march can be found here.
It does get better. I hope to hear from you. But if you feel that you need to talk someone right now, there is a welcoming ear at The Trevor Project, 866-488-7386, or 866-4U-TREVOR.
There were no changes in the vote totals in Bessemer after provisional ballots were counted, according to reports. That means that on November 2, the day after they are sworn in, the new mayor and council can get started. Cleo King, district 7 council person elect, has said more than once he's "ready to make a difference," and let's just hope the rest of the council is, too.
The council will be as follows.
District 1 - David Vance
District 2 - Sherrina Rice
District 3 - Sarah Belcher
District 4 - Donna Thigpen
District 5 - Ron Marshall
District 6 - Jesse Matthews
District 7 - Cleo King
And of course, Mayor Ken Gulley.
This change occurs in 18 days and some very interesting things are going take place pretty quickly. Some people might want to run and hide. I'm just sayin'.
Last night I attended the Our One Mile meeting sponsored by the Freshwater Land Trust.
Our One Mile seeks to establish and connect over 100 miles of greenways in Jefferson County. Bessemer is part of Jefferson County, but you wouldn't know it because of the lack of elected official representation at the meeting. Mayors and council members and even school board members from other cities in the County were there.
What is a greenway, you ask?
A greenway is a long, narrow piece of land used for recreation, pedestrian, and bicycle traffic. A greenway can be anything from a narrow grassy path or a concrete sidewalk to a wooded trail. Greenways can connect neighborhoods, parks and businesses to downtown city streets.
Our One Mile will be a system of greenways through which you will be able to walk or bike from your home to such daily destinations as parks, schools, libraries or shopping areas - without the car.
"The need of public parks is generally recognized in this day and generation by thinking men of growing and progressive communities; it needs no argument."
That's not one of today's progressives saying that. It's from the Olmstead Brothers, who developed "A Park System for Birmingham" in 1924 that city leaders failed to implement. that was a missed opportunity.
Now we have another chance.
One hundred fifty or so people crowded the room and each person was able to suggest a trail or two. I proposed the connection from the greenway near the Hall of History in Bessemer to Red Mountain Park south of the city by way of the "high line" railroad trestle and rail bed that curves to parallel 14th street.
They had large maps of the county and wax pencils that we could use to draw our trail, and I drew this one. I also personally pitched the connection to Brian Rushing, the Director of Land Conservation for the Freshwater Land Trust (who I found out had learned a bit about Bessemer from this blog) and to Jane Ross of Goodwyn Mills and Cawood who is the Landscape Architect heading up that aspect of the project. They both expressed keen interest in the connection.
Whether this trail becomes a reality will depend a lot on the new mayor and new council and their attitudes toward developing greenways in our city. They can expect the same information from me that I gave the group last night.
They will learn that studies have shown that green spaces and parks positively impact a community by increasing tourism, sustainability, health, water quality, biodiversity, transportation, recreation, business and quality of life. These are all measurable benefits that could be impacted in a positive way with this trail.
I agree with how the Auburn University Urban Studio described such a connection in 2007.
"This extension of Red Mountain park west to Highway 150 could transform the city."
Well, only if Bessemer connects to it.
Here's a short video about Red Mountain Park.
Our One Mile is a partnership between the Freshwater Land Trust, Goodwyn Mills Cawood, Clarus Consulting Group, Health Action Partnership and Modern Brand.
It's one thing to read statistics or opinions on blogs about kids killing themselves.
It's something altogether different when you put a face to the name and realize that yes, this is a real person who will never know love, will never have a career, will never get to have his or her own family, will never get to pet another cat or dog, will never see a sunrise, will never get to take state boards, will never get to meet a celebrity, will never give a surprise birthday party, will never open a Christmas present from someone special and will never eat an extra piece of red velvet cake even though they don't need it.
Here are the known LGBT suicides over the past few weeks. There are probably more. There will be more unless attitudes and policies in our country change.
13 year old Asher Brown of Cypress Texas shot himself in the head on Sept. 23, 2010 after enduring constant harassment at school according to his parents. Complaints to the school went unheard. He looks so happy in this picture.
Asher
13 year old Seth Walsh of Tehachapi California died on September 28 from injuries resulting from hanging himself from a tree on September 19. He was tormented and school officials would not address the problem.
Seth
15 year old Justin Aaberg of Anoka, Minnesota died on July 9, 2010 of hanging after being bullied at school.
Justin
He was an accomplished cello player. He wrote and played the background music in this memorial video for him.
At his high school 5 kids have killed themselves in the last year. Three of those are tied to sexual identity issues. That school chooses to "remain neutral" on the subject.
Raymond Chase was 19 years old and was a student at Johnson and Wales in Providence, Rhode Island. He hung himself in his dorm room. He had an interest in culinary arts, but will never get to use the skills he was developing.
Raymond
Tyler Clementi was a student at Rutgers and a 2010 Festival of Young Performers Scholarship recipient when he jumped from the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River on September 22, after his roommate and another person broadcast webcam footage of Tyler in an intimate moment with another man. He was an intensely devoted musician who was described as sweet and shy.
Tyler
15 year old Billy Lucas of Greensburg, Indiana, hung himself in their barn on September 9 after enduring torment at a school that did nothing. He was called "fag" one too many times.
Billy
Billy loved horses. That he hung himself in the barn around the animals he loved is touching. I'm pretty sure he felt he was loved by his horses, I understand the human animal bond. He was surrounded by love. Here is Billy with one of his horses, Nic.
Billy and Nic
Hate messages have been left on his memorial page.
19 year old Aiyisha Hassan of Southern California took her life in her home on October 5. She was struggling with identity problems. She must have loved this little dog, speaking of the unconditional love our pets give us. They don't care if we're lesbian or gay, if we wear a dress, if we cut our hair in an odd way, if we sleep with a guy one week and a girl the next. Animals have a better outlook than many humans.
Aiyisha
Justin Lacey, 18 years old, recently began living as Chloe, a transgender woman, and after struggling with fears of harassment and abuse she shot herself in her Eureka California home on September 24, 2010.
Justin
Her mother was asked if it was hard to accept Chloe. "No, no. It's hard to accept that she is gone," she replied crying.
Chloe
Update: On the previous post I mentioned 19 year old Zach Harrington of Norman Oklahoma who killed himself a few days after attending a "toxic" city council meeting on September 28 where hateful individuals degraded the gay community. I watched a video of those proceedings. Part of what I heard was equal to what I and others have described as spiritual terrorism. I guess bullying occurs in places other than schools.
Zach
Will my community of Bessemer do something to protect the kids in our schools before something tragic happens? Will our school board pass an inclusive anti-bullying policy? We will soon find out.
Coming out as a gay person, or a lesbian, a bisexual, or transgender, is not an event, it's a process. A series of events, actually, because one must choose whether to share that information again and again and again.
One might be out to friends and not to family. Or out to friends and family and not at work. Or out to friends and family and at work but not at church.
Today is National Coming Out Day. That is a day, according to Wikipedia, for civil awareness for coming out and for discussion of LGBT issues.
It's also Columbus Day, but that's a bit controversial since Christopher came over here as what may be called an illegal immigrant and as a result the Native Americans had their land taken away.
So I'll avoid controversy and write about being gay and coming out.
I came out to a co-worker (an employee of mine actually) 15 years ago on this day, by coincidence. I didn't know it was National Coming Out Day until the next year. What a relief, to finally be able to say what I had bottled up inside for years. Of course, I knew that this person I told would be OK with it.
But in actuality I had come out a couple of months prior to that when I(figuratively) knelt before God and asked forgiveness for lying to Him and others about my sexuality and for strength as I sought to finally become the person He wanted me to be). That is when the big burden was lifted off my shoulders.
Then I came out again; to my family. At 40 something years of age that was difficult enough. I can't imagine doing so at 13 or 17 or 20 like kids are doing these days. My hat is off to them and I offer them all the encouragement in the world.
But for some of them, in fact, even for some who do not come out, things are not rosy. Some are harassed. Some are bullied, some think they have have no where to turn, some take their own lives.
Such must have been the case for 19 year old Zach Harrington in Norman Oklahoma, the most recent young gay person to be in the news for taking his own life, reported yesterday.
Yesterday, as vigils were being held, across the country and in Birmingham, to highlight the problem of anti-gay bullying and teen suicide. Read about the Birmingham vigil and view pictures of the speakers here.
So here we are urging people to come out, but with the knowledge that some will put their relationships, their jobs, their lives, in jeopardy.
I admire those brave kids like 16 year old Garrett Hopkins who attends Vestavia Hills High School, where I graduated way back when, who has been a target of bullying at his school, yet bravely attends last night's candlelight vigil in memory of bullied kids who took their lives and speaks to the media with no apparent reservations.
I've been urging kids by telling them "It Gets Better," and for me it certainly did. Who knows what my life would have been like had I come out at 16 years of age. But at that time in Vestavia there was nothing to come out to. No support groups. No Equality Alabama, no Trevor Project, no cell phones to text my friends, no facebook and no internet and not even a cordless phone where I could get out of the kitchen to talk to someone on the phone. How was I to learn that being gay is OK?
Everyone is in a different situation and each individual must take many factors into account when deciding who to confide in. But as far as confiding in oneself goes, the first very important step, that can, and should, be done by anyone.
Now a word to the parents out there. If you have a child, that child could be gay. "Gay" here means any sexual minority. Go ahead, regardless of the age of your child, and tell yourself, "I will love my son or daughter regardless of who they chose to love or who they are attracted to."
And let your kids know at a young age that you are accepting of all people and they will feel more comfortable if and when they let you in on the secret they've been hiding.
Like most gay people, I knew as a kid that I was somehow different.
Maybe not quite this young, but a couple of years after this picture was taken I knew. I love that shirt by the way, think I could find one in my size? And I realize there's a little phallic element to the picture with the rocket and all...but I digress.
But even after I went off to college, I still could not admit to myself what I actually knew. Does that make sense? It will to some of you.
I immersed myself in religion, Campus Crusade for Christ to be precise, while submitting to secret urges on the downlow. I was as big a hypocrite as Pastor Eddie Long, I guess. Well, not really. I didn't preach or speak against homosexuality, I just shared the Four Spiritual Laws.
I only share this information in order to let questioning people of any age know that where ever you are there are steps you can take to gain self confidence and eventually to come out.
And I hope that when you do, it does get better, just as it did for me.
You have noticed that Bessemer Opinions is Pink, and of course, this is in support of Breast Cancer Awareness and Research.
I should be writing about breast cancer, and I will on another day. But my heart is still with the kids who are bullied, and who feel they have nowhere to turn.
For years the Alabama Safe Schools Coalition has sought to ensure that our students can learn in environments that are free from discrimination, harassment and violence.
From their web site:
Students in Alabama schools are currently not protected by existing policies from being discriminated against, harassed, or bullied because they are or are perceived to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). Current policies also do not prohibit discrimination against students who are perceived to be “too masculine” or “too feminine” or students who associate with LGBT students or who have parents or siblings who are LGBT.
In the past few weeks there have been several high profile suicides of young gay people because they were bullied, harassed or tormented. But in reality, 10 or more young people take their lives every day. Every day.
There will be candlelight vigils across the state on Sunday at 6:00 to raise awareness and to remember those who have taken their lives. (Info below)
Experts estimate that for every teen suicide there are 10 unsuccessful attempts.
Based on statistics from a few years ago, the facts are startling.
One young person (age 15-24) dies from suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.
That means that during the Alabama-South Carolina football game tomorrow, at least one young person will kill them self. The same goes for the Auburn-Kentucky game. Think about that while you're watching football. The next time you go to see a movie, remember that during the time you are sitting in the theater, a young person has taken their life. While you are at work today, 4 young people will kill themselves. While you sleep, four more will enter eternal sleep.
Among the general population, a suicide occurs every 17 minutes, so young people are killing themselves at a greater rate than the rest of the population.
And lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to 4 times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers.
This is not just to raise awareness among the LGBT community. We know of the problem. We've lived through the problem. We want to raise awareness among the straight community, the school boards and the legislators and policy makers.
Listen to what this straight teacher has to say about her former students.
Invite your neighbors, your teachers, your school board members, and your legislators to the vigil.
And we don't have to wait till one of our students takes his or her life before we address the problem. Actually, young gay people in our state have taken their lives going back decades. This vigil will be for them as well.
But decades ago there was no support system. No Internet. No openly gay supportive adults or role models.
This is 2010. There is absolutely no excuse for our state to not provide fully inclusive protections against bullying and harassment. No excuse.
This video was dedicated to kids who were bullied in school, and to their families.
I have to disagree with the man on one point. He says suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide may be permanent, but it is not a solution. And it actually creates more problems. Believe me, I know.
In Birmingham, the vigil will be at Vulcan Park at 6:00 on Sunday. Please arrive early. And please respond on Facebook so we will know how many candles to bring.
In Huntsville the vigil will be at Spirit of the Cross Church on Saturday. Austin Jennings will be providing music beginning at 5:45. Please respond on Facebook.
In Montgomery the vigil will be on the Capitol Steps at 6:00 on Sunday. Please respond on Facebook.
If you can't respond on Facebook, don't let that stop you from coming.
And also important is this weekend's Race for the Cure for Breast Cancer Research.
The Race for the Cure is Saturday, October 9 in Birmingham. Go here go here for details or to donate.
I'm not talking about political hope, the kind that Obama ran on.
I'm talking about the kind of hope that someone in despair needs.
Despair leads to depression and depression leads to suicide. I know. I've had family members take their own lives. I've had a friend on facebook that threatened to kill himself while I was chatting with him just after his family discovered he was gay. I have other friends who are afraid to tell their family the truth, afraid of the rejection and tired of the torment and hatred they receive at school.
There are positive examples of gay, lesbian, bisexual and trangender individuals all around us, but when you are being bullied and you are dealing with being told the God you want to worship does not love you and that you are worthless you cannot connect to the successful gays you see around you. They are there, and you are here and there is no way to bridge the chasm that separates you.
I know. I've been there. I had one dark, dark summer while a student at Auburn University. No one knows about it. You won't learn more about it, it's not important. But there was no support system in the 1970's, I can tell you that. I chose to build a buffer around my darkness, to hide who I was. That was what saved me. I hid behind that buffer for decades.
But it does get better.
Dan Savage started a campaign called It Gets Better. Hundreds of individuals, some with celebrity status, others just plain folk, have created videos telling their story, their struggle, and confirming that in spite of the bullying and spiritual terrorism that may be driving you down right now, it does get better.
Listen to Matt.
Of the video's I've seen, I liked this one.
Anyway, "Christian" leaders are denouncing this hope that we are trying to give people. Matt Barber, Liberty Counsel attorney, has said that the efforts are "political exploitation" and that "Christians" are praying that we "fail fantastically." Praying that we fail in giving hope. Classy.
Other than that mention of the confused Christianist right, I won't dwell on that. I only mention it to warn any questioning young people that just because someone has the Christian label does not mean they speak for God.
Think about it. Would God create you a certain way, and then abandon you? That would not be much of a God, would it?
And to parents who suspect your child may be gay: this child is the person you gave birth to, the boy or girl that dwelt in your belly. You produced this gay child. You loved him or her as she grew inside you. Remember when you first held him? Remember how you comforted her when she fell and scraped her knee? This child is that same child you held so close. He or she needs to be held close now. He or she needs to have you accept the child you created.
Once again I will embed the trailer to "Prayers for Bobby," a movie that depicts the true story of Bobby Griffith, who took his life by jumping from a bridge into traffic after his mother rejected him because of her misguided Christian beliefs. Please watch this movie. Here it is on Netflix
If you, or someone around you is struggling please call or have them call The Trevor Project866-488-7386
The Trevor Project saves lives.
Oh, and my facebook friend that was struggling so is now out and at peace with his family. It does get better.
