Coming out

Coming out as a gay person, or a lesbian, a bisexual, or transgender, is not an event, it's a process. A series of events, actually, because one must choose whether to share that information again and again and again.

One might be out to friends and not to family. Or out to friends and family and not at work. Or out to friends and family and at work but not at church.

Today is National Coming Out Day. That is a day, according to Wikipedia, for civil awareness for coming out and for discussion of LGBT issues.

It's also Columbus Day, but that's a bit controversial since Christopher came over here as what may be called an illegal immigrant and as a result the Native Americans had their land taken away.

So I'll avoid controversy and write about being gay and coming out.

I came out to a co-worker (an employee of mine actually) 15 years ago on this day, by coincidence. I didn't know it was National Coming Out Day until the next year. What a relief, to finally be able to say what I had bottled up inside for years. Of course, I knew that this person I told would be OK with it.

But in actuality I had come out a couple of months prior to that when I(figuratively) knelt before God and asked forgiveness for lying to Him and others about my sexuality and for strength as I sought to finally become the person He wanted me to be). That is when the big burden was lifted off my shoulders.

Then I came out again; to my family. At 40 something years of age that was difficult enough. I can't imagine doing so at 13 or 17 or 20 like kids are doing these days. My hat is off to them and I offer them all the encouragement in the world.

But for some of them, in fact, even for some who do not come out, things are not rosy. Some are harassed. Some are bullied, some think they have have no where to turn, some take their own lives.

Such must have been the case for 19 year old Zach Harrington in Norman Oklahoma, the most recent young gay person to be in the news for taking his own life, reported yesterday.

Yesterday, as vigils were being held, across the country and in Birmingham, to highlight the problem of anti-gay bullying and teen suicide. Read about the Birmingham vigil and view pictures of the speakers here.

So here we are urging people to come out, but with the knowledge that some will put their relationships, their jobs, their lives, in jeopardy.

I admire those brave kids like 16 year old Garrett Hopkins who attends Vestavia Hills High School, where I graduated way back when, who has been a target of bullying at his school, yet bravely attends last night's candlelight vigil in memory of bullied kids who took their lives and speaks to the media with no apparent reservations.

I've been urging kids by telling them "It Gets Better," and for me it certainly did. Who knows what my life would have been like had I come out at 16 years of age. But at that time in Vestavia there was nothing to come out to. No support groups. No Equality Alabama, no Trevor Project, no cell phones to text my friends, no facebook and no internet and not even a cordless phone where I could get out of the kitchen to talk to someone on the phone. How was I to learn that being gay is OK?

Everyone is in a different situation and each individual must take many factors into account when deciding who to confide in. But as far as confiding in oneself goes, the first very important step, that can, and should, be done by anyone.

Now a word to the parents out there. If you have a child, that child could be gay. "Gay" here means any sexual minority. Go ahead, regardless of the age of your child, and tell yourself, "I will love my son or daughter regardless of who they chose to love or who they are attracted to."

And let your kids know at a young age that you are accepting of all people and they will feel more comfortable if and when they let you in on the secret they've been hiding.

Like most gay people, I knew as a kid that I was somehow different.

Maybe not quite this young, but a couple of years after this picture was taken I knew. I love that shirt by the way, think I could find one in my size? And I realize there's a little phallic element to the picture with the rocket and all...but I digress.

But even after I went off to college, I still could not admit to myself what I actually knew. Does that make sense? It will to some of you.


I immersed myself in religion, Campus Crusade for Christ to be precise, while submitting to secret urges on the downlow. I was as big a hypocrite as Pastor Eddie Long, I guess. Well, not really. I didn't preach or speak against homosexuality, I just shared the Four Spiritual Laws.

I only share this information in order to let questioning people of any age know that where ever you are there are steps you can take to gain self confidence and eventually to come out.

And I hope that when you do, it does get better, just as it did for me.

Remembering those who lost hope

You have noticed that Bessemer Opinions is Pink, and of course, this is in support of Breast Cancer Awareness and Research.

I should be writing about breast cancer, and I will on another day. But my heart is still with the kids who are bullied, and who feel they have nowhere to turn.

Read yesterday's post about Hope to understand more.

For years the Alabama Safe Schools Coalition has sought to ensure that our students can learn in environments that are free from discrimination, harassment and violence.

From their web site:

Students in Alabama schools are currently not protected by existing policies
from being discriminated against, harassed, or bullied because they are or are
perceived to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). Current policies
also do not prohibit discrimination against students who are perceived to be
“too masculine” or “too feminine” or students who associate with LGBT students
or who have parents or siblings who are LGBT.

In the past few weeks there have been several high profile suicides of young gay people because they were bullied, harassed or tormented. But in reality, 10 or more young people take their lives every day. Every day.

There will be candlelight vigils across the state on Sunday at 6:00 to raise awareness and to remember those who have taken their lives. (Info below)

Experts estimate that for every teen suicide there are 10 unsuccessful attempts.

Based on statistics from a few years ago, the facts are startling.

One young person (age 15-24) dies from suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.

That means that during the Alabama-South Carolina football game tomorrow, at least one young person will kill them self. The same goes for the Auburn-Kentucky game. Think about that while you're watching football. The next time you go to see a movie, remember that during the time you are sitting in the theater, a young person has taken their life. While you are at work today, 4 young people will kill themselves. While you sleep, four more will enter eternal sleep.

Among the general population, a suicide occurs every 17 minutes, so young people are killing themselves at a greater rate than the rest of the population.

And lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to 4 times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers.

This is not just to raise awareness among the LGBT community. We know of the problem. We've lived through the problem. We want to raise awareness among the straight community, the school boards and the legislators and policy makers.

Listen to what this straight teacher has to say about her former students.



Invite your neighbors, your teachers, your school board members, and your legislators to the vigil.

And we don't have to wait till one of our students takes his or her life before we address the problem. Actually, young gay people in our state have taken their lives going back decades. This vigil will be for them as well.

But decades ago there was no support system. No Internet. No openly gay supportive adults or role models.

This is 2010. There is absolutely no excuse for our state to not provide fully inclusive protections against bullying and harassment. No excuse.

This video was dedicated to kids who were bullied in school, and to their families.



I have to disagree with the man on one point. He says suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide may be permanent, but it is not a solution. And it actually creates more problems. Believe me, I know.

In Birmingham, the vigil will be at Vulcan Park at 6:00 on Sunday. Please arrive early. And please respond on Facebook so we will know how many candles to bring.

In Huntsville the vigil will be at Spirit of the Cross Church on Saturday. Austin Jennings will be providing music beginning at 5:45. Please respond on Facebook.

In Montgomery the vigil will be on the Capitol Steps at 6:00 on Sunday. Please respond on Facebook.

If you can't respond on Facebook, don't let that stop you from coming.

And also important is this weekend's Race for the Cure for Breast Cancer Research.

The Race for the Cure is Saturday, October 9 in Birmingham. Go here go here for details or to donate.

Hope

What is wrong with inspiring hope?

I'm not talking about political hope, the kind that Obama ran on.

I'm talking about the kind of hope that someone in despair needs.

Despair leads to depression and depression leads to suicide. I know. I've had family members take their own lives. I've had a friend on facebook that threatened to kill himself while I was chatting with him just after his family discovered he was gay. I have other friends who are afraid to tell their family the truth, afraid of the rejection and tired of the torment and hatred they receive at school.

There are positive examples of gay, lesbian, bisexual and trangender individuals all around us, but when you are being bullied and you are dealing with being told the God you want to worship does not love you and that you are worthless you cannot connect to the successful gays you see around you. They are there, and you are here and there is no way to bridge the chasm that separates you.

I know. I've been there. I had one dark, dark summer while a student at Auburn University. No one knows about it. You won't learn more about it, it's not important. But there was no support system in the 1970's, I can tell you that. I chose to build a buffer around my darkness, to hide who I was. That was what saved me. I hid behind that buffer for decades.

But it does get better.

Dan Savage started a campaign called It Gets Better. Hundreds of individuals, some with celebrity status, others just plain folk, have created videos telling their story, their struggle, and confirming that in spite of the bullying and spiritual terrorism that may be driving you down right now, it does get better.

Listen to Matt.



Of the video's I've seen, I liked this one.



Anyway, "Christian" leaders are denouncing this hope that we are trying to give people. Matt Barber, Liberty Counsel attorney, has said that the efforts are "political exploitation" and that "Christians" are praying that we "fail fantastically." Praying that we fail in giving hope. Classy.

And in a classic case of blame shifting, World Net Daily ran a column titled "Is 'Gay' Agenda to Blame for Teen suicides?"

Other than that mention of the confused Christianist right, I won't dwell on that. I only mention it to warn any questioning young people that just because someone has the Christian label does not mean they speak for God.

Think about it. Would God create you a certain way, and then abandon you? That would not be much of a God, would it?

And to parents who suspect your child may be gay: this child is the person you gave birth to, the boy or girl that dwelt in your belly. You produced this gay child. You loved him or her as she grew inside you. Remember when you first held him? Remember how you comforted her when she fell and scraped her knee? This child is that same child you held so close. He or she needs to be held close now. He or she needs to have you accept the child you created.

Once again I will embed the trailer to "Prayers for Bobby," a movie that depicts the true story of Bobby Griffith, who took his life by jumping from a bridge into traffic after his mother rejected him because of her misguided Christian beliefs. Please watch this movie. Here it is on Netflix



If you, or someone around you is struggling please call or have them call The Trevor Project 866-488-7386

The Trevor Project saves lives.

Oh, and my facebook friend that was struggling so is now out and at peace with his family. It does get better.

A New Day Dawns in Bessemer

The sirens went off and the lights were flashing this morning in celebration, I guess, of the New Dawn of Bessemer.

The siren was, of course, the tornado siren that sounds at 10:00 the first Wednesday of every month, and the lights flashing were a test of the fire alarm system in the new Courtyard Café and Bakery in Bessemer, opening today in just a few minutes.

This blog is coming to you live from the opening.



Next week the Café will begin opening at 7:30 to serve breakfast or for those out early just to stop by and get a cup of Community Coffee.



These pasties, pies, cakes and cookies, would go well with the coffee that they serve.



Open for Lunch this week, the menu has some expected items; a variety of Deli Sandwiches and Chicken Salad and Spinach Artichoke Dip, but also some unexpected delicacies such as Chipotle Chicken Salad and a Thai Salad. There’s also a soup of the day and a soup and sandwich combination.



There will soon be wrought iron chairs on the courtyard, perfect for these crisp autumn days.



But the real New Dawn is a result of the election yesterday in which Ken Gulley tromped the incumbent mayor Ed May. May ended an interview last night with Fox 6 News with the two words we all wanted to hear, “I lost.” Gulley had 4,144 votes and Ed May had 1,543. That’s 73% of voters opting for a change.

I saw a “suggested” headline from the paper.



Probably won’t be the real headline, but nothing could be further from the truth. And some asses need kicking.

Eight years ago I celebrated when change came to Bessemer, but the change never happened. Crime rates are still up, the neighborhoods are in disarray, and city finances are a mess. Promises were made, but soon forgotten.

The new mayor and council will be sworn in on Monday, November 1, 2010. Their first council meeting will be the following day.

Other winners last night include Sherrina Rice in District 2, who had 508 votes to Chester Porter’s 477, Ron Marshall in District 5 who with 363 votes squeaked by incumbent Albert Soles who had 361 votes, and Cleo King in District 7 who beat incumbent Earl Cochran 426-405.

I spoke with business leaders last night and this morning and they all agree that Mayor-elect Gulley will be a positive change as far as the business community is concerned. Here is Courtyard Café and Bakery owner Van Sykes with Senator Priscilla Dunn and Mayor-elect Ken Gulley at Gulley headquarters last night. Not the best picture in the world, but indicative of the support Gulley had.



The vote totals are unofficial, and I was at City Hall this morning when acting City Clerk Travis Brooks wheeled them out to take them to the County office where they will be counted. The only race where this might be a problem seems to be District 5 where Marshall won by just 2 votes. In that district I saw that there are only 6 provisional ballots cast.

But in all the races the absentee ballots could be questioned. But even these probably wouldn’t change any results except Marshall’s. I spoke with Ron this morning at City Hall and he will be watching the votes and counts carefully. I’m sure his opponent will be, too.

Marshall told me that he is interested in using his management skills to bring people together. Not just the council, but the other interests like business and civic organizations. And he said he is interested in working with the new mayor to bring about a change in the perception of Bessemer.

Travis Brooks told Ron and me, and an official at Jefferson County confirmed that the results will not be confirmed and made official until Tuesday. But even though Ron’s win is not certain, we do know this: the majority of the council will be new to the body. They don’t have baggage, and as far as I can tell they all have Bessemer’s interest as their priorities.

This is a time to celebrate, and I’m starting by enjoying a Grilled Fish Sandwich at Courtyard Café and Bakery, and I’ll have one of those Peanut Butter Balls, too.

Bessemer is not...

...nor will we ever be, San Luis Obispo, CA.

San Luis Obispo is the happiest place in the United States, according to a 2008 Gallup-Healthways poll, which rated the city No. 1 in overall emotional health. This comes from an article in today's Parade magazine.

But we could certainly be much happier as a city than we are now. The key is further down in this post.

Dan Buettner, who wrote The Blue Zones, has a new book coming out later this month, Thrive, in which he explores happiness.

Here are some key elements to the success of San Luis Obispo.

Support the Arts. I have written about the creative class and how embracing those and welcoming them would improve our city.

Boost Biking and Walking. I have written about bringing trails to Bessemer. Here and also here.

Create a Greenbelt. This kind of goes along with the above, as far as Bessemer goes.

Prohibit Drive-Throughs. It's a little late for this. but in San Luis Obispo, they were forward thinking in the 1980's, and banned drive-through restaurants. This helped to keep their obesity rate at 17.6% compared to 26.5% nationally, and God knows what in Bessemer.

Stamp out Cigarettes. San Luis Obispo has one of the lowest smoking rates in the nation, and this stated with their smoking ban in 1990. In Bessemer, there is a smoking ban in restaurants. I promoted this ban for the health of our community. We could expand the ban to our parks and other outdoor public places.

Shrink Signage. I doubt that we could pass a sign ordinance here. I'll tell you about one sign that I saw today that is a huge waste of money. Richard Shelby's money. He has a billboard in Bessemer, a Democratic city, on 14th Street. Lol. Anyway, Here's a sign you need to read before Tuesday's runoff. More on this further down on this post.

Empower the People. In San Luis Obispo's case, the article speaks of a 1968 referendum where the people voted to close some streets and create a plaza. Mission Plaza is now a source of civic pride, a place for their farmer's market and arts and gatherings. Hmmm.

Go back up to the Biking and Walking paragraph and click on the link there. That park involving the railroad trestle could be something the people would be proud of. It would link to Roosevelt Park, which is already popular. It's a big dream of mine to have that park, and link it to Red Mountain Park by skirting our neighborhood along 14th street and using the overpasses already in place (there is at least one missing that would need to be replaced. But this would be a very interesting use of existing historical architecture, and believe me, it would get some attention), which is being developed. An official of the park told me years ago (during the Ed May era) they had approached the city of Bessemer and could get no response. This is another reason we need to send Ed May home on Tuesday. More about this further down on this post.

Oh, we're there. I found a several page flyer on my gate when we returned home headlined "Ed May leading the city to the brink of destruction." Quotes from this blog make the case on that flyer. There is also a section headlined "Bingo Deception" (Mayor May vetoed Bingo more than once, while his law firm was receiving payments for representing Bingo interests in Bessemer, according to the flyer).

Another section is headlined "Appropriated Education Funds Denied," that explains that May's withholding of about 8 million dollars from education (that the city owes) demonstrates gross negligence and hurts our children!

We are not a happy city. We could be much happier if we elect a mayor and council that will represent our city in a proud way. I've written about the candidates that the Bessemer Progressives have endorsed.

Here is what I said about city council candidates that are now in runoffs.

Chester Porter - "wants to revitalize downtown, wants to bring arts to Bessemer, wants to establish a quarterly community clean up day." Chester is running for the seat vacated by Louise Alexander.

Ron Marshall - "Most of the questions asked this group were about economic development, and Marshall was very effective in pointing out his marketing background and how this would be an asset in promoting (or allowing other entities to promote) the city. He also has experience in managing a city department." Ron is running in District 5, and seeks to replace Albert Soles.

Cleo King - "When asked what the number one issue facing the city is he responded "lack of communication." He said we need to change the image of the city and the council needs to set the example. The current council person from District 7, Earl Cochran, has been a disappointment. He answered his first question talking about a failure. the failure of the city to pass his bingo initiative. He answered the second question talking about failure. The failure of the city to be accountable. he sounded too much like Larry Langford when he urged voters to choose him and only then would he reveal his secret revenue generating plan. Ms. Jones was voted out in 2006 because voters had had enough of her. We've still had enough." Cleo is seeking to replace Earl Cochran, who has shown us how to embarrass the city when television cameras are rolling.

And we have endorsed Ken Gulley for mayor.

The Ken Gulley parade rolled by my house around 4 today. The Cleo King parade rolled by about a half hour later.

Do not vote for incumbents.

Vote for Ken Gulley for mayor on Tuesday

Vote for Chester Porter in district 2 on Tuesday.

Vote for Ron Marshall in district 5 on Tuesday.

Vote for Cleo King in district 7 on Tuesday.

Death

Due to a death in the family there has been no blogging this week.

The wit and wisdom of Bessemer Opinions will resume on Monday, October 4, 2010.

In the meantime, Alan Jackson sings "Sissy's Song."

A life taken

The state of Virginia took the life of a human being Thursday night. A mentally challenged woman at that. Their Republican governor refused to intervene. the U. S. Supreme Court refused to intervene. Those officials are complicit in the death.

Yes, I am against the death penalty. I don't believe "Thou shalt not kill," makes an exception for the imperfect laws set by humans.

I am not a supporter of the killing associated with war either, although I understand that sometimes war is unavoidable. Of course, that excludes the war in Iraq. That war was unnecessary and unjust.

But back to the killing of Teresa Lewis.

I've been studying the Social Principles of the United Methodist Church so let me share what they say about the death penalty. The bold print is mine.

We believe the death penalty denies the power of Christ to redeem, restore and transform all human beings. The United Methodist Church is deeply concerned about crime throughout the world and the value of any life taken by a murder or homicide. We believe all human life is sacred and created by God and therefore, we must see all human life as significant and valuable. When governments implement the death penalty (capital punishment), then the life of the convicted person is devalued and all possibility of change in that person’s life ends. We believe in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and that the possibility of reconciliation with Christ comes through repentance. This gift of reconciliation is offered to all individuals without exception and gives all life new dignity and sacredness. For this reason, we oppose the death penalty (capital punishment) and urge its elimination from all criminal codes.

I agree with this position entirely. I am angered whenever the state, whether it be the state of Alabama, Texas, Virginia or any other state, engage in this archaic and unhuman practice.

I pray that we will recognize our folly, and that the death penalty will be outlawed in our state and in our nation.