Coultergeist

Last night as I was driving home my satellite radio somehow landed on Fox News and I heard the grating voice of Ann Coulter defending the slur she used against Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards. At the Conservative Political Action Conference she said, “I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards.” Coulter was referring to Grey’s anatomy’s star Isaiah Washington’s entrance into rehab (gayhab?) for using the word, first in describing fellow cast member T. R. Knight, then using the word again in denying that he used it in the first place. What? That’s not the first time Coulter has used that word to publicly describe democrats, she called Al Gore a “total fag” on Chris Matthew’s show “Hardball.”

Just as disturbing as Coulter’s use of the word, was the reaction of the conservative audience, laughing and applauding in approval of the use of a derogatory term to describe their rivals.

I quickly changed the station to Sirius Disorder but could not get Coulter’s voice out of my head. I fell asleep in the den and sometime during the night I woke up, I think, and noticed a faint glow from the TV set. I could hear faint static that slowly got louder, and thought I saw a little blond girl kneeling in front of the television, staring into it. “Hellooooo,” she whispered. “They’re here,” and her hands reached up to touch the screen. I could hear the voice of Ann Coulter cackling and as objects began sliding across the floor and through the air toward the door, I heard the squeaky voice of Tangina Barrons saying “I don’t know what hovers over this house. I’ve never sensed anything like it.”

Our home had been invaded by a Coultergeist, and as the battle to save little Carol Anne Freeling from Ann Coulter continued, I thought the whole house was going to disintegrate. “What’s happening” the older sister screamed, not understanding that a Coultergeist can invade the homes and minds of the innocent without warning. Be alert.

Just as quickly as it all began, it was over and the house returned to normal. I fell back asleep, but when I awoke this morning, I again heard the static coming from the TV, and also the faint cry of a little girl.

My apologies to Steven Spielberg and the cast of Poltergeist. I think I’ll rent that movie again.